Lubbock Urban Achievers sweep BOHICA!!!

LUA 4

#5 Bohica 0

Match recap to come!

Pre Paid beer + No Warmup = VICTORY!

LUA 3 Slow team with children and pregnant lady 1.

It seems the recipe for victory includes facing teams that have members with physical or health problems. In what seemed to be a match that lasted for 4 hours, a favorable result for our heroes was finally ACHIEVED!

An elated captain ELREYDEPEZ had this to say, "I'm drunk. Call me a cab. All I got to say is this. If we could get in a league with pregnant women, handicapped people, and the extreme obese; we might have a shot at winning a title."

Goliath slews David

With almost a 200 pin per game handicap, the Achievers were able to stay within 150 pins of the league leading Chilidogs. Unfortunately, a loss is a loss. Unable to capitalize on securing another signature win, the Lubbock Urban Achievers find themselves in a fight to get into the Big Dance later next month. With an RPI of 286 and only 7 points for the season, it is doubtful the Tournament selection committee will look favorable in garnering the LUA a high seed.

In the press conference, el capitan EL REY DE PEZ had this to say,

"We took our chances and I hope the committee considers how close we came to victory. When you look at it, we really should have won. Sure they won all three games by over 100 pins apiece. But look behind the statistics and scoring, and you will clearly see a Championship caliber performance from us. Could they have beaten us in a game where strikes and spares didn't count? I think not."

"Sometimes you eat the bar, sometimes the bar eats you. We took our shot and now we just got to get focused on getting better for the post season. We owe it to our fans and the City of Lubbock to right this ship. Come tournament time, you can throw out the records. Not the handicaps, but the records."

During the match, Helmut was struck down by a freak elbow to the eye socket and will be in China getting acupuncture treatment for his injury. He is expected to miss a few weeks but there is speculation he will return for the playoffs.

"Look people, we have had some injuries. We have overcome adversity in the past, and we know that we will come back. Helmut is down for 2 weeks, so that gives us a chance to play some of our freshman and give them experience. Who knows, one of them might actually be able to hit a few pins."

During the player interviews LUA man of the match Rodney speculated on the teams demise to La Liga. "I'm just here to drink beer and smoke cigarettes. I think we need to get into a league where there is at least a two drink minimum, the teams we have been playing don't drink beer and that is wrong. If they had to consume as much as we did, I would gladly allow for our handicaps to be thrown out and let's bowl straight up."

Ronnie G followed up those words with, "Look man, if I had my own bowling alley, I would call it Ron's Super Bowl...get it?"

Next week the handicapped shorthanded Achievers take on G-Rated. Look for the Achievers to spike the virgin strawberry daiquiri's.

Languishing....

There is nothing uplifting to say about last weeks performance by the Achievers. The only promising improvement was turned in by Ronnie G. Unfortunately his team could not capitalize and dropped all three games by double digit deficits. To be blunt, EL REY DE PEZ sucked, and turned in a 50 pin drop in bowling average. The Horde took all four critical league points and dropped the LUA to 23rd place. The press conference was brief but rife with discontent.

"We should have been able to least steal one point and maybe even a draw or win. Their worst bowler turned in a 40 pin increase in overall average, but so did ours. It just wasn't our night. I do not know what is wrong. If I hit the box, I got a split and couldn't convert. If I had one pin to spare, my ball would get close without hitting it. Terrible."

What started out as the Strike it Rich League Cinderella story of the year, has now descended into the dungeon. The Lubbock Urban Achievers will have to convert some wins in the next 9 weeks to get back on track for their inaugural season.

"Alot of people are against us, we know it, but we just can't let it effect our game. Speaking of game, have you seen mine? I lost it last week and I can't seem to find it. What hurts is, we are really trying hard. We have cut down on our buckets of beer from 6 to 5. We have practiced. We have bought our own balls and shoes. Short of learning how to actually bowl, I don't see what else we can do. I am not saying the other teams are cheating, so I will just blame it on the officials. They blew 4 calls last week, then hosed us on the 2nd game tonight that cost us the lead."

After the contest, Strike it Rich League administration sanctioned EL REY DE PEZ and HELMUT for their antics at the bowling alley. EL REY must serve a one match suspension for being critical of the referees. HELMUT will be put on probation following an incident at the snack bar in which he exclaimed, "I said THIS taco had enough cheese on it, not yours." Evidently you have to watch what you say to the hired help at Classic Lanes. They are sensitive.

A depleted but resilient LUA side will take on the Nascar Nuts, in a battle of cellar dwellers this Friday. Helmut and El Rey will be playing under assumed names at the Urinal Cake Invitational in Santa Rosa, New Mexico.

Margins of error and loss.

If platitudes mark the height of verbal despair, the Lubbock Urban Achievers are kings of the Strike it Rich bowling league. Coming off a 2 pin win, and earning their seventh point of the season, it seemed as though our heroes were destined to claim another victory in the second game. Ronnie G turned in his best game of the season and captain El Rey de Pez posted a score with only two open frames. Helmut was also having a good game and all seemed ripe for victory. But it was not to be, as the I DONT CARE team rolled timely strikes and got extra rocks in the 10th frame to win by ONE PIN. The question remains, where was Rodney?

During the break, it was discovered that RODNEY had suffered a freak knee injury while sleeping a few days before the competition. With a bevy of elephant tranquilizers and ice cold beer, the LUA team doctors had thought they had neutralized the pain. The Hippocratic oath of "do no harm" evidently does not apply to bowling scoring, as Rodney turned in a hard fought round of 50 pins below average.

Further damage had been done to morale in the 3rd and decisive game, as the I DONT CARE team turned in 6 strikes in their first 8 rolls. The Achievers were reeling by the 6th frame, as they trailed by over 100 pins. Eventually the end came and the LUA dropped 3 total points on the evening.

Typical of post game press conferences after a loss, EL REY DE PEZ threw out the obscure references to shield his displeasure in the teams result.

"Obviously, we are as disappointed as the Hapsburg dynasty after Versailles. We had their ass in a trebuchet and just couldn't cut the rope to send them crashing into the castle wall. A knee injury while sleeping? Charles Schultz couldn't make up worse tripe about Charlie Brown. I feel like I just got exiled to Elba, and that would be actually nice as I hear it as unseasonably warm as the overpriced beer in this joint."

"Please, please, please, it took a long time to bury James Brown and it will damn sure take a long time to bury this team. If Roy Munson can come back, so can Rodney Gentry."

The Lubbock Urban Achievers dropped to 21st in the standings and are again in trouble of relegation. They take on THE HORDE on Friday night at 7pm. Slide and the lickity split....be there!

Breaking News!

Aides close to Lubbock Urban Achiever Capitan EL REY DE PEZ have announced the formation of a Presidential Exploratory Committee. Rumors of his candidacy have been swirling for weeks in the wake of a plummet in Strike it Rich President Cookman's approval ratings. EL REY DE PEZ, a lifelong member of the minority Lebowski Party, has been President Cookman's harshest critics concerning the War on Handicaps.
In a statement obtained by Lifestyles of the Poor and Pathetic, the PEZ had this quote.

"If I may again state a prominent plank in our platform.'This isn't Nam, this is bowling, and their are rules! This aggression will not stand, man. Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one who pays attention to the rules any more? Say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism; at least it's an ethos!.' President Cookman, we know how you think, 'Oh, here's a loser. A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a shit about.' We shall explore and find out if the rest of league wants to abide."

In response to the Pez statement, the Nihilist Party had just this to say.

"We believe in nothing, Lebowski. Nothing. And tomorrow we come back and we cut off your chonson."

Many Strike it Rich league political pundits have speculated in the past, that PEZ would not seek the Lebowski nomination in March. Today's news sent ripples through the Classic Lanes offices, wondering if such a political shift is indeed in the offing.

Team in turmoil despite rise in standings.

The Lubbock Urban Achievers announced today that Jay has been released from the team. Sources close to the team said it was due to his lack of commitment, but the official release states,

"We like Jay, we just need a bowler that can knock down pins and that is hard to do when your not in the bowling alley on Friday nights. Therefore, we have released him but should he clear waivers we will be happy to reserve a spot for him on the practice squad."

Something sinister was brewing late in the afternoon Friday when team captain EL REY DE PEZ placed Rodney on the roster as a starter against Mom's Team. After a disappointing 2-2 draw, the press conference was languid with tension as questions swirled about the fate of Jay's future with LUA. EL REY refused to answer questions about Jay's departure, just saying this.

"Anyone ever seen that movie Hoosiers? When the stud player character named Jimmy Chitwood rejoins the team and then subsequently made the shot to win state? Did you see it? Our Jimmy Chitwood is Rodney people. He has a higher average than Jay, and he offers to pay for beer without someone asking. TEAM people! TEAM, there aint' no eye in TEAM, and there ain't no Jay on this one either. Rodney picked up two 7-9-10 splits in the 10th frame. He closed there ass out in the second game and saved our butts. We had the third one won but Todd left us hangin. All he had to do was spare the tenth and hit a pin on the last rock, instead he shit the bed."

Mom's Team took 2 of three games, but the LUA forged a tie on total pins to square the match. Again team captain EL REY DE PEZ showed superior athleticism and leadership with a 489 pin total. Rodney followed close behind with a 458, but a team high game of 184. Todd struggled like Nascar fan doing algebra with 351 pins and one chili cheese Nacho hotdog. Ronnie G improved again this week and had 316 pins.

Overall, the Lubbock Urban Achievers are in 19th position, the teams first appearance in the top 20, as they have scored 5 of 8 points in the last two weeks of league competition. This week they take on I Don't Care that is ranked 12th.

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